I am noticing something hugely important to me: the dramatic contrast between how I am when I am exuberant with companions and how I am quietly at home, where I live alone. Am I “lonely?”
I have been aware of this contrast for years, but it seemed inaccurate to use the word “lonely” on its own, to describe my experience, so I resisted it. What directed me to address it, was a programme from the Hay Festival in England, on ageing, in which it was stated that loneliness was as harmful to health in older people as smoking. I have never smoked, so this statistic was alarming!
The contrast looks like my feeling awake, lively, responsive, vibrant all day long with stimulation of companionship and shared reality, while at home, often feeling collapse, draining, depletion, exhaustion, losing motivation. These definitely need attention.
Here’s what July brought me: I attended a Festival in Somerset, of four thousand people, where there are many people I know and I found myself all day, feasting on deep and rich conversations with many companions, over meals, walking across the field, around the fire at night. I was deeply nourished by these interactions, the time for delving deeply into important life-affirming interests and mutual attention to experiences and responses. Warm hugs and appreciations were typical throughout the day. I heard others with an open heart and was listened to in the same way. Friendships were decorated with new words and stories, with kind witnessing, with gentle presence in warm eyes and hugs. I loved the quality of camping on the Earth and receiving the beauty of the blue skies, sunshine and trees as well as rain. I was filled up with nourishment, my heart feeling relaxed, open and warm, receptive and met.
Driving some hours home and unpacking from this abundance was physically tiring and it was no surprise that I felt tired in the days following. After a few days, I set out again to commune with fabulous companionship in Devon, sharing space with warm, wise, welcoming, generous, dynamic and enthusiastic women, with new avenues offered for unfolding the gifts of living. Again, I was filled up with nourishment and delights, was stimulated with richness during the day and enjoyed wonderful sleep.
In order to expand on the word “lonely” to describe my homecoming, I delved underneath to find out what needs had been met that seemed inaccessible at home on my own.
How profoundly companionship lifts me and nourishes me! I see how this valuable need is often unmet – and meeting it depends on my efforting, reaching out, initiating, creating ways of meeting. I reflected on feeling more deeply into these needs. It seems that in order to me to receive nourishment with companionship, witnessing and being heard and sharing hugs and touch, I “have to” move out of the house. These things rarely arrive without action from me. This might be tiring! Yes. That’s a bit clearer. When I am low on energy, reaching out for connection is less possible so I settle for screens and pottering until my energy rises again.
The time needed for my energy to rise again without personal interactions might be an indicator of how low it drops when I am not with companions (?). This is a few days (2-3), where jobs in the house and garden don’t get done, messaging is not possible, just the basics can happen. I feel curious about needs met during this time (quiet, rest, stillness) and at the same time, my longing for more, deeper, closer interactions.
What’s needed to do the basics for surviving is often more than one person can manage alone. It’s “too much” for one person to do everything and still have space for creativity, joy, fun and pleasure.
After resting, I have felt more energy and addressed more things that I can manage: messaging friends, household chores, gardening, creativity, commitments, decluttering, groups, interests etc. These are satisfying and as well as this, I am recognising that having some conversations each day would nurture me more. I am sensing the needs alive in me are to matter, to belong, to love and be loved.
“Lonely” actually means a situation in which several deeply important needs for survival and thriving are not met and need energy to be met, which is hugely more difficult for one person to manage. We need each other.
What does “lonely” look like for you? Let me know how this word lands inside you and how your being is experiencing the situation.