When I talk about grief and sadness, people ask me about blame, as though there is a direct line from “my painful feelings” linked to “who is to blame.”
When I say I am feeling grief and sadness, I am seeking understanding and compassion for my actions and other people’s actions. I am not feeling blame. I am not seeking blame.
Blame is a story. From the time we were young, we were told stories about the pretty little princess, the good one, who had some misfortune brought on by a wicked witch, a dragon, a monster, a cruel suitor: the bad ones. The point of the story is to vindicate the good one and to punish the bad one. Right from the cradle, we have been indoctrinated with the idea of good people and bad people, separate groups of people who can never see each other’s lives as exactly the same as theirs. We continue to see people striving, efforting to achieve something judged as good whilst others are striving and putting all their efforts into achieving something judged as bad – by the good people – and vice versa.
When we swing both these stories through 180 degrees and look at them the other way round, they are exactly the same. Each person who is yearning for something they want or need, feels as though they are the opposite of someone yearning for something different. In all our cultures, we accelerate, feed, propagate these stories, inculcating a sense of separation of one against the other, group against group. From this embedded idea of separation, come groups that stand for inclusion within and exclusion of all who are outside or “other.”
The reality is about those feelings we are holding inside ourselves. The life-affirming sensations and emotions we feel are pointing directly at what we truly need. We don’t need blame, we need things like understanding, compassion, respect, sharing reality, connection, community and appreciation. Blame is a tragic expression of unmet needs and brings disconnection between people or within the self, instead of the deep connections that support life and meet more needs.
Blame comes up because we don’t know what to do with our delicious emotions. Our cultures and traditions teach us that they’re unwanted, unspeakable and are best swept away, hidden and unspoken. This is the real reason we get worked up into drastic or desperate actions, when our emotional needs are denied, our humanity is denied and shut down. Instead we’re taught to judge ourselves and others, blame and criticise, label people and crush people’s choices.
Blame is not real, it’s a tragic habit of expressing our beautiful needs – and we can unlearn it. When we hear, “Why did you do that, you xxxx!” coming up inside our voices, let’s try saying: “Hmm, it sounds as though you’re unhappy, do you need a friendly (compassionate) ear? Here I am.”
It’s possible to change habits and patterns by practising new ones. We can let go of blame and learn acceptance and compassion for our discomforts.
Empowerment, Embodiment & Compassion Coach